Stories matter
I remember the first time I traveled overseas, it was a trip to America when I was 22 to work as a Camp Counselor at a summer camp in Massachusetts. My first stop was LA, then New York and finally Camp Emerson which is in the beautiful Berkshire mountains of Massachusetts.
It was on my way to the camp that it struck me, maybe I had been lied to, maybe Australia wasn’t the most beautiful place in the world, because what I was seeing with my own eyes was pretty damn beautiful. Golden light pierced its way through lush green trees that provided a reprieve from the hot summer sun. The canopies of the trees were so thick that you got the sense that nature came first here and humans had been granted permission to build roads through the dense forest for ease of travel. There were new species of animals I had never seen before, the most dangerous being the spiders that were no bigger than a daddy long legs on steroids, that’s beautiful in my book.
I wasn’t annoyed that I had possibly been lied to; it actually filled me with excitement, like I had discovered something that the others hadn’t seen yet and even more than that I had found something just as beautiful as the place I came from. In that moment it became clear to me that there was no need to compete, no need to be the most of anything (most beautiful, most visited, most passionate, most awarded, most …..) I wondered, if where I came from is beautiful and where I am right now is beautiful, could that mean that there is beauty everywhere?
When I returned home I couldn’t wait to tell everyone about the discovery I had made but to my surprise it didn’t go down well, when I excitedly declared that I now knew that Australia wasn’t the most beautiful country in the world it was like I had set fire to the Australian flag. As though I had betrayed my country men and women. I had appeared to have broken a rule I had no idea even existed, I had strayed from the narrative that Australia was and always will be the most beautiful country in the world (in an Aussie, Aussie, Aussie kind of way)
I was pretty confused by this response and like a scared turtle I pulled my head back into my shell. Maybe I was wrong, if all these people are saying it, I must have been wrong but I couldn’t let go of the senses of my own body. I knew what I had seen and experienced. I knew I wasn’t wrong. I also knew I didn’t want to compete, I never wanted it to be one over the other, I just wanted (and still want) others to see that beauty is everywhere, wisdom is everywhere. Love is everywhere.
I share this story with you to illustrate the power of narrative. Stories are everywhere, they define nations, teach us right from wrong, tell us what is dangerous, what is safe, who is safe. The thing about stories is that they are made up which means that they can also change and the way one person tells a story is totally different to the next person.
What stories are you choosing to tell?
The only question you need to ask
I caught up with my uncle during the week, he has started to look into our family tree and has been to visit my relatives' graves. Some of them have names, dates of birth and death. Some had little more than a plot number to identify where they laid. Some have nothing at all.
It really struck me that as little as two generations before me I know nothing about the people who are the reason I am alive today. I don’t know what they loved or who they loved, I don’t know what made them smile, what made them cry, what made them laugh.
Now I could be taken two ways:
1. Feel awful because I don’t know these things or
2. Feel free at how little we leave behind
I chose freedom. To me it’s so freeing to know that what I do in this world matters far less than my ego would like to think. It’s not about the things we get caught up on every day like, how do I look? How much money do I have? Should I buy a bigger house? A bigger car?
All of this has left me thinking, how do I want to live my life knowing that in two generations to come my family may not know much more about me than where my grave is and that has inspired a new question to replace all of those above.
Does this make me happy?
Because if there’s anything I can leave behind in this world, I hope it’s happiness.
Three ways to cultivate trust
This week I have been drawing a card everyday to help me set my direction and intention for the day.
This morning I drew the trust card. It’s a beautiful picture but the part that resonated with me was what was written underneath “I choose to trust the process”, in particular the “choose” part stands out.
For trust to exist we have to actively choose it.
It reminded me of a piece of advice someone once gave me, “the quickest way to know if you can trust someone is to trust them”
I believe trust starts with ourselves, lots of us get out of the habit of trusting ourselves because we stop paying attention to our own instincts. We get told how things should be done by our parents, our bosses, our colleagues, even our kids and eventually we choose their way instead of our own.
Here are three ways you can start to cultivate trust in yourself:
Make a point of checking in with yourself every hour by asking “what do I need right now?” it could be a glass of water, some fresh air, a walk around the block, food, an extra layer of clothing, time to think, a moment of silence
Start a mindfulness practice, this will help you identify what you need so that need can then be met. Insight Timer is a free app you can download that has loads of great guided meditations, here’s a couple of great ones
https://insighttimer.com/markwilliams/guided-meditations/mindfulness-of-body-and-breath-
https://insighttimer.com/andrewjohnson/guided-meditations/body-scan-relaxation
Meet your own needs, once you’ve identified what you need, allow yourself to have it without judgment or question. When we meet our own needs we build trust in ourselves and learn to fill our own cups before sharing with others
When we choose to trust ourselves, we reframe what it means to trust others because it’s no longer about them, it’s about you and your needs. So really the only person you ever need to trust is yourself.
Are you in the wrong gear?
You’re a smart cookie, you’re clearly capable, you’ve got the qualifications, you know how to develop, implement, scale up. Getting shit done is what you know!
So why do things feel stuck now?
Because to get where you're going you need a different approach. Getting here required lots of doing, your hustle was hard but you don’t need to push anymore and in fact, if you keep doing so it just might tear things apart.
But you’ve been hustling for so long you don’t even know how to do things differently. Here’s a couple of things that might help you shift gears.
-Make a regular date in the calendar with yourself
Start scheduling time to just be. There’s no goal to hit here, nothing to achieve. It’s going to feel weird and you’ll be tempted to fill the time with something more productive, don’t! You can start with as little as 10 min every day and it’s best if it doesn’t involve a screen.
-Take a wrong turn
Get lost on purpose, remind yourself of your ability to solve problems and have a bit of fun in the process. Find a new way to get to the office/home/gym. Delete your browsing data so you have to remember the full web address next time (or ask someone for it) Leave your phone at home and figure out how to get through your day without it.
You already have all that you need to get to the next stop; you just need to slow down enough to switch gears.
If you’re getting stuck between gears, give me a shout. I can help you out.
My holiday was ruined
I just got back from a holiday in the Blue Mountains, a place known for its beautiful views, peaceful surroundings and bush walks through some of the most stunning country you will ever set foot on.
It poured rain the entire time.
My suitcase full of active wear made it back to Sydney in almost pristine condition and although I was a little disappointed that I hadn’t been able to do any of the walks I had been planning on, the forced rest was exactly what I needed. The rain washed away all of our plans and with it all of the pressure from the need to do anything but keep warm and dry.
In life the need to be doing something can often take over, and we rarely give ourselves the opportunity to just be. Even when we are on holidays the tendency is to do something, visit the tourist sites, make the most of it!
My rainy holiday and forced rest has made me reflect on all the things I would have missed out without the chance to just be. Extra hugs in the morning (and afternoon, and evening), getting creative with what we ate because no one wanted to go to the supermarket, learning that a good rain jacket is way better than an umbrella and that you can’t end a game of UNO on a power card.
It also makes me wonder what we miss out on everyday because we're so busy doing things, checking off lists and only allowing ourselves to rest when it’s all done.
When we fill every moment, how will the new stuff ever come in?
Confidence guaranteed with this one simple hack
This week a client came to their session with a look of confidence I had never seen them wear before. Normally our sessions would be consumed with talking about one particular issue that consumed most of their energy but we barely touched on it this time round, so I asked them if the issue was still present? It was. So I asked what’s different? Their reply “I was wearing my Bitch Boots”
Upon exploration it turned out my client wasn’t actually wearing the boots but in their mind they had laced up a pair of pink leather, thigh high, stiletto boots that gave them the confidence to stand their ground, trust in their professional knowledge and walk away trusting they had delivered was was best for the company they represented.
How do you find your own Bitch Boots?
Imagine yourself standing tall against your greatest fear, what are you wearing? Describe it in detail, feel it, give it a name. The more vivid you can get in its description the better. It can be a whole outfit or a part of one. It’s up to you, let your imagination run wild.
I’d love to know what you come up with! Let me know via hellokatrinaj@gmail.com
Comparative suffering is keeping you stuck
"I know I've got it pretty good, I shouldn't even complain"
"Yeah, but someone has it way worse than me"
"I am not sure I even need counselling, my issues aren't that bad"
These are the sorts of things I hear over and over and they are the reason people are stuck, they want something more and by comparing themselves to others they give away their power to take action.
These sorts of comparisons don't do anything productive for anyone, let me give you an example that’s easy to understand.
When someone is hungrier than you are, you don't feel the need to eat less because their hunger is bigger. Starving yourself isn’t going to make them feel full. If you are really worried about their hunger, order another dish.
While this comparative suffering is well intended and it can give you some perspective, what it really does is lessen your capacity for empathy, devalue your own feelings and creates a mysterious “other” to measure yourself by.
There are no winners in the Comparative Suffering Olympics, do yourself a favor and drop out of the race.
How to recognise that it’s your stories that are keeping you stuck
The stories we tell ourselves are incredibly powerful. They can lead us to take action but most often they keep us stuck in a non-productive loop. Which is safe because if we never try we can never fail, we can also never succeed.
These stories are so well worn that they can feel like truth and often we have the evidence to back them up. Like the story that goes “I’ll never earn enough money” which is evidenced by the $100 in the bank account and the 12 suppliers that still need to be paid (even after a record month) or “If I don’t do (insert task here) no one else will” which is evidenced by the 152 items that need to be actioned.
Before you dive into fixing these stories it is vital to identify them, here’s a few giveaways that an unhelpful story is at play.
-Absolute thinking. This is the all or nothing story. “I can never”, “I have always been bad at this”, “Things never workout for me”, “Nobody likes me”, “I don’t fit in”. There’s no room in this thinking for any other alternative, it’s black and white, this or that. It feels like the only possible truth.
-The delay tactic. I’ll do it when story: “I’ll do it when I’ve raised enough capital”, “I’ll drop the client who gives me migraines when another client signs on”, “I’ll do it when I finish my 16th qualification”. We all know that tomorrow never comes and neither does, when.
-The blame game is strong. This comes in two forms, blame of the mystical other: “If they were a better manager I would be promoted”, “If they listened more”, “If they handled the restructure differently”, “If they understood”. And blame on yourself, “If I had more training” “If I was more organised”, “If I had more time”, “If I knew better”
-You’ve handed over control. This might look like leaving all the decisions to your manager, business partner or coworkers “just let me know how I can support”. Sometimes it’s fate you’ve handed the reins to “I guess it’s just not meant to be” or even to an industry “It’s not done like that in my field”. This tactic works well if you never want to take accountability, you’ll never be known for taking a stand. You’ll never be known for making a change either.
-You’ve tried all the things! You’ve worked longer and harder, done coaching, got the certification, dressed the part, read the books, listened to the podcasts and yet still here you are in samesville, it may look a little different but it feels so familiar
If any of these points resonate with you, there’s a good chance that it’s the story that is playing that is stopping you from progressing to where you would rather be. The excellent news is, by identifying the current stories and making a few adjustments your stories can be reframed into narratives that set you up for success and growth.
Three ways to reframe self care
When you think self-care what comes to mind? Moisturising, bubble baths, affirmations? While these are forms of self care, they are the equivalent of fast food. They are cheap, easy to access and satisfying (in the very short term). Self care runs far deeper, here are a few ways to reframe it.
Getting your finances sorted. I don’t just mean at tax time so you can get your return back ASAP. It’s figuring out the stuff no one ever taught you so that money is no longer something that strikes fear and causes anxiety. Taking a deep dive into sorting your finances is radical self care.
Going to the GP on the regular. Medical care and self care, boom. Make a non negotiable appointment and regardless of how you feel, turn up! You don’t need to be sick to visit your Dr and prevention is better than cure, so off you go.
*if you don’t like your GP, find a new one. GPs are there to help you, not the other way round.
Learn to say no! This is ultimate level self care. Somewhere along the line we were taught that the person asking has needs that are more important than ours, as my Mum would say “rubbish” it’s not a competition. Saying no can mean saying yes to yourself, when you look at it that way the decision becomes a whole load clearer.
You’re the only one we’ve got, please take care of yourself.
What is a Reframe?
The stories that we tell ourselves shape our world. Stories change over time, ebbing and flowing with trends, moulded by our experiences. When we are young we view the world through our parents' frame, as we get older we try on many different frames and at some stage we stop trying new frames on instead becoming fused with the stories we've told ourselves over and over that have worn a well known path in our minds.
Working as a photographer was where I first learnt the power of a good reframe, often enough I would turn up to an event which wasn’t well attended and I had to work some magic to make it look like the event of the century. In those cases it was what was left out of the frame (the empty space) that was just as important as what made the shot.
Now working as a Counsellor, reframing is one of the most powerful tools I offer clients, it doesn’t require things to be different, it doesn’t mean you have to explore every belief to figure out how it came to be. It allows you to start exactly where you are to take control of your story.
Reframing your view doesn't have to be a radical thing, it can be a slight shift to the left or a weeding out of the stories that have gotten in the way of your view, it can be a step back or a zoom out to remind us that there are alternative endings to our choose from, it's up to us which one we choose to keep in frame.
Change is sustained when we are feeling good, which is why being suck in the frame of “I’m not good enough”, “I’ll never loose weight” “this is so hard”, I’m just not confident”, “they hate me” isn’t helpful, these negative messages only serve to keep up stuck and feelings of depression and anxiety can quickly creep in.
Finding your reframe is a process that takes some practice, it’s best to start small. Try something like the following:
I am not doing anything this weekend! reframe This weekend I am recharging
I totally suck at job interviews, why bother looking for a new job?! reframe I know job interviews aren’t my strength, let me get some help so I can improve because I know I have a lot to offer an employer
I am so fat, i’ll never be able to loose all this weight reframe I am not over weight, I am full of wisdom!
There’s a few tricks to finding your reframe
Identify the story that is no longer serving you, it normally sounds like a bully and uses absolute terms like “I’ll never…,” “Everyone hates me…” “I can’t…..
YOU need to believe it, you might not be able to go from hating yourself to loving yourself in one reframe and that’s fine. Just go with something that is a step closer to loving yourself more than you do right now.
Use your own language, you are reframing your story so use your own voice.
Simple but not easy, reframing might seem like a simple thing to do and in some ways it is but that doesn’t mean it will come easy, it will take practice and without a doubt the old frame will want to pull you back with it’s seductive powers, just thank it nicely for visiting and focus on your reframe once again.